Blogs are for ranting. BUT. let'skeepitsimple?

BASICS:

I can't write about it. Because it hurts too much.

I can't hear his voice because, it will kill me.

And I can't eat, because he is the only thing i want to fill me.

HowCanICopeWithThisFeelingOf......LETDOWN.

he promised. fucking promised. He would never hurt me. Well, here I am. HURT.



And i know i really love you because: THE MOMENT I READ THOSE WORDS...I WASN'T JEALOUS OF HER. I WAS BROKEN THAT YOU, MY LOVE, FELT THAT WAY. I WAS SHOCKED. SURPRISED. HE HAD ME BELIEVING SO WELL IT WAS JUST ALL ABOUT, ME. I PHYSICALLY GOT SICK. THREW UP. I HAD NEVER FELT SO LOW TO THE POINT I WANTED TO JUST SCREAM AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS. AND I DID. LOUD AND GOOD. AND I HELD NOTHING BACK. AND MY MOTHER WALK IN: "OHMYGOD, WHAT HAPPEND?" NO RESPONSE. I JUST SIT THERE. STILL SCREAMING. MY FATHER WALKS IN: "WHAT DID HE DO?" I LOOK AT HIM AND SAID "BROKE ME." HE DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING AFTER THAT. HE SAT ON MY BED, AND SAID SORRY. "I'M SORRY I RUINED YOUR LIFE. AND I LOOK AT YOU NOW AND YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. ALMOST 18. IN LOVE. AND HURT. I'M SORRY I BROKE YOU AND YOUR MOTHER'S HEART. I DONT KNOW IF YOU ARE LISTENING TO ME, BUT I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU THIS TORN INSIDE BEFORE." I DIDN'T RESPOND. "SAY SOMETHING" HE DEMANDED. I LOOKED AT HIM SLOWLY WITH RAINDROPS FALLING FROM MY EYES I SAID, "YOU WOULDN'T KNOW ABOUT BEING TORN. YOU NEVER CARED. YOU NEVER GAVE A SHIT. BUT I'M EXTREMELY DISAPPOINTED IN MYSELF FOR LETTING MYSELF BECOME VULNERABLE AND LOWERING MYSELF TO..." I STOPPED. I LIT A CIGARETTE. HE SAID NOTHING. AND I CONTINUED. "I MEAN THINK ABOUT IT. I AM LOWERING MY ACTUAL, PHYSICAL BODY TO THE FLOOR. THE FLOOR IS BAD, DAD. WHEN YOU'RE ON THE FLOOR...IT MEANS YOU ARE CRYING TOO MUCH. IT MEANS YOU ARE BEING DRAGGED DOWN TO THE VERY BOTTOM BY TRUST. AND LOVE. AND TO FEEL LIKE THE ONLY GOOD THING IN YOUR LIFE, LITERATELY, IN YOUR LIFE...TO FEEL LIKE THEY DON'T WANT YOU IS LIKE SHOOTING AND KILLING ME. HONESTLY. IT'S ONE GIRL. AND ONE BOY. THE ARE IN LOVE. AND THEY ARE SURE IT'S LOVE. THE GIRL IS DAMAGED GOODS, WITH HALF A HEART, AND SHE DOESN'T REMEMBER WHAT TRUST IS. THE BOY IS FRESH. NEW. AND BEAUTIFUL. ASIDE FROM SILLY RELATIONSHIPS...HE WAS LONELY. HE THINKS IT'S ALL ABOUT KEEPING IN TOUCH. HE THINKS IT'S ABOUT "IN PERSON". BUT LOVE IS ABOUT THE EXACT OPPOSITE. LOVE IS: THE FEELING OF GIVING YOURSELF TO SOMEONE. IT'S THAT MOMENT WHEN YOU REALIZE IT'S NOT JUST YOU ANYMORE, LIKE MENTALLY. YOU'RE NOT FALLING IN LOVE WITH THAT PERSON. YOU ARE BASICALLY JUST TRADING SOULS. PUTTING ALL OF YOUR TRUST INTO ONE SINGLE SOUL. THAT'S WHAT HE IS TO ME, DAD." SHE STARTS TO SCREAMS AGAIN. AND HE JUST STARES. SPEECHLESS, IN THOUGHT HE SAYS, "IF HE LOVES YOU...YOU WILL KNOW. BECAUSE WHEN SOMEONE FALLS IN LOVE;" HE STOPPED TALKING AND SIGHED. "YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN" HE SAID. I WIPED MY FACE AND COUGHED UP SMOKE AND SAID. "I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU MEAN. I FIND IT MIND-BLOWING THAT WHEN PEOPLE FALL IN LOVE THEY TURN INTO A DIFFERENT PERSON. THEIR MIND ALTERS INTO A SUBCONSCIOUS WORLD WHERE THEY ARE IN COMPLETE EUPHORIA. I THINK THE HUMAN MINDS CONNECT AND THAT THEIR BODIES SUSTAIN THE LOVE. THE PHYSICAL BEING OF LOVE. THE SETTING OF A BOY AND A GIRL. JUST IN LOVE. AND TRUELY HAPPY. AND I THINK LOVE IS EVERY GOOD THOUGHT THAT YOU THINK AS HE TOUCHES YOUR NECK. LOVE IS EVERY TIME HE TOUCHES ME. LOVE IS EEVRY WORD HE SAYS. LOVE IS WHEN MY MIND LETS ME LOOK AT THE SKY AND SEE THE STARS, AND MY MIND TRIGGERS ITSELF TO THINK OF YOU. BASICALLY DAD, LOVE IN A NUTSHELL? THE MOMENT YOUR HEART ALIGNS WITH SOMEONE ELSE'S MIND." I STOOD UP AND WALKED OUT. AND AS I WALKED AWAY FROM THE ROOM, MY MIND STARTED CATCHING UP WITH EVERYTHING I JUST SAID. AND IT HITS ME. AND I SCREAM. I BROKE MOM'S FAVORITE VASE. THE SOUND OF GLASS HITTING THE WALLS RESEMBLED MY SCREAMS. FOR SOME REASON MY MIND BEGAN TO FIGHT WITH TWO DIFFERENT MINDSETS I WAS THINKING AT THE SAME TIME, AND IT STARTED LIKING THE PAIN. THAT MENTALITY WAS BRUTAL. LIKE A SLAP IN THE FACE, SCREAMING..."IT FEELS GOOD. PAIN IS THE ONLY THING THAT WE HAVE TO BELIEVE THIS ISN'T ALL MAKE-BELIEVE" AND THEN MY OTHER MINDSET STARTED STARTED MAKING ME THING SUCH PAINFUL THINGS, THAT IT LITERATELY MADE ME SCREAM. MY MOTHER IS SO CONFUSED. "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?" SHE YELLS. MENTALITY NUMBER TWO TAKES OVER MY MIND AND I SAID, "I'M THROWING SHIT, OBVIOUSLY. I'M FUCKING LIKE...HURT." YOU SEE WHAT SHE DOESN'T GET IS I'M TWEEKED. AND I AM CRASHING AND COMING DOWN OFF OF METH. MY HEAD IS FUCKING SPLITTING. I HAVEN'T EATEN IN GOING ON THREE DAYS. I HAVEN'T SLEPT IN FOUR. I JUST TELL PEOPLE I SLEEP, SO THEY DON'T THINK I'M WEIRD. SO THEY WILL THINK I AM NORMAL.. MY MIND FEELS FUCKING CRAZY. MY STOMACH HAS THE MOST AGONIZING PAIN IN IT. I'VE THROWN UP 3 TIMES TODAY, BECAUSE I WAS HURTING SO BAD. IT FEELS EMPTY, AND I CAN FEEL MY STOMACH ACID BURNING INSIDE ME. MY BODY IS HUNGRY FOR SLEEP, AND FOOD. BUT IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO HAVE. LITERATELY. THATS WHAT CRASHING IS LIKE. AND I DIDN'T THINK GOD COULD MAKE THINGS ANY WORSE, UNTIL I WAS TOLD ABOUT ANOTHER GIRL.....AND SAW WITH MY OWN EYES PROOF OF HIS WORDS WRITTEN. IN TEXT! TO SEE THE WORDS, LIKE...UN-EXPECTING IT, IT REALLY DOES JUST KNOCK YOU DOWN, IMMEDIATELY. HER FATHER WALKS INTO THE ROOM. "I'M SORRY, ERICA." HE SAYS. AND KEEPS SAYING IT. I SIT THERE AND LISTEN TO HIM SAY IT. AND I LISTEN TO THE WORDS. AND I FEEL IT. AND I START TO FEEL MY MIND CRAVE HIS PITTY. AND I SAID, "SAY IT MORE. YOU KNOW WHAT? JUST KEEP SAYING IT FOREVER. BECAUSE THOSE TWO WORDS WILL NEVER PHASE ME. I'M SORRY MEANS A SECOND CHANCE. AND THERE ARE NO SECOND CHANCES FOR WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO MY LIFE. YOU HAVE FUCKED MY MIND UP. TRAUMATIZED ME. YOU ARE A GODDAMN, MONSTER." HE LOOKS LIKE HE IS MAD. AND HE WALKS OVER TO ME. WE ALL KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NEXT. BUT HE NEVER LET'S MY MOTHER SEE BRUTALITY HE GIVES ME WHEN SHE ISN'T AROUND. HE PUSHED ME TO THE WALL. AND SAID, "THAT'S FUCKED UP." I FELT HIS CLENCHED HAND, MEET MY FACE. "DON'T EVER TALK TO ME LIKE THAT!" IT HURT. I DIDN'T SCREAM FOR THE FIRST TIME. AND I JUST TOOK IT, AND SAID TO ME. "CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING?" HE LOOKED CONFUSED AS TO OF HOW CALM I WAS BEING. "LIKE WHAT?" HE SAID. AND I TOOK MY HAND AND HIT IN RIGHT BACK IN HIS FACE AND SAID. "DOES IT FEEL GOOD?" HE TOLD ME TO FUCK OFF. BUT I KNOW THOSE WORDS HIT HIM, HARD. I WALKED BACK INTO MY ROOM, SHUT MY DOOR, BACK TO THE FLOOR. SCREAMS. SCREAMS. "WHY DID HE DO THIS TO ME?" IT'S NOT OVER REACTANT. AT ALL. I AM MOST CERTAINLY NOT OVER REACTING. BECAUSE I AM FED UP WITH BEING HURT AND BEATEN DOWN BY LOVE. AND PUTTING MY TRUST IN SOMEONE FOR THE LAST TIME. STAYING 3000 MILES MILES JUST TO BE IN HIS PRESENCE. FOR HIM TO SAY THE THINGS I WISH HE WOULD SAY TO ME...TO ANOTHER GIRL. WAS....LIKE JUST GOD COMING OUT OF THE CLOUDS AND SAYING. "FUCK YOU ERICA. I'M GOING TO MAKE YOUR WHOLE LIFE HELL. HAHA. HAHA. HAHA. HAHA." I HAVE AN INTENSE MIND. LIKE I CAN'T EVEN DELETE THE TEXT MESSAGES, THE FORWARDS BECAUSE I JUST KEEP RE READING THEM, TRYING TO FIND A LOOP HOLE TO PROVE IT WASN'T HIM WRITING IT. BUT I FOUND NOTHING. IT WAS HIM. TELLING ANOTHER GIRL HOW HE FEELS ABOUT HER. AND I STILL CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE HE DID THAT....THE MOON IS OUT. I'M NOT TWEEKIN ANYMORE. BUT I SURE HAVE A LOT OF THE AFTERWARDS SYMPTOMS:ALERT, DOWN, TIRED, MIGRAINE, AND THEN THE LEFT OVER THOUGHTS OF A GOOD TRIP STILL FLOATING AROUND. THE MOON IS SO WHITE. AND PURE. AND SO I DECIDED. WHEN I DON'T SLEEP...I LAY DOWN AND DRAW ONE PICTURE THROUGH OUT THE NIGHT. AND START THINKING AS I DRAW. PUTTING EVERYTHING IN ORDER. MAKING SURE I KNOW MY MORALS, MAKING SURE I KNOW WHO I AM STILL. OR MAYBE I AM JUST TRYING TO MAKE MYSELF? THIS IS A LOT OF TYPING. TEA TIME.<3